I used to do all those things for my dad, too. I enjoyed finally doing a little something for him for all the things he had done for me throughout my life. Unfortunately, I can’t do those kind of things for him anymore. He passed from a massive heart attack on May 12, 2010. So, I decided since I started this blog that I would write a post dedicated to him on this day of celebration as a tribute to the great man I came to know as Dad. Hopefully, it does him justice because I believe he deserves the credit for all the hard work he put into me, and believe me, it was a lot of hard work.
At first, I have to admit at first that we didn’t have the greatest of relationships. When I was growing up, all I saw was a man who was never home. He was always working and seemed to never take an interest in what I was doing as a kid. And when he was home, he drank a lot which scared me. What I didn’t realize until recent years was all the sacrifices he made just to make sure my mother and I had a roof over our heads and food on our plates. He also had no true way to deal with all the stress from work and dealing with an ungrateful wife and son which caused him to drink. If I had known back then what I know now, I would have treated him a whole lot better than I did, but I didn’t know any better. I was just a kid.
I didn’t really get to know who he was, though, until my high school years. That’s when it seemed like to me that he took an interest in my life. He didn’t always agree with my choices (heck, I don’t anymore), but he supported me regardless. He backed me on my writing always giving me words of encouragement and trying to get me to take the step to get published. He tried to steer me towards what could have been a rewarding career in computers which I wish I would have done. He bought my very first car which was a 1985 Pontiac Grand Am so I didn’t have to walk to school. He paid for braces for my teeth. He gave me money and stuff whenever I asked for it.
The only thing he didn’t give me (which I don’t blame him) was the time to share with him. He wasn’t the kind of person you could talk to about things that bothered you. He wasn’t a really emotional person so he had trouble showing that he cared other than through his actions which should have been enough. I didn’t see it that way, though. All I could see was that kids around me had a dad who would do things with them, and I didn’t. I regret feeling that way now.
And that’s how I thanked him for all the stuff he had done for me. I felt like he didn’t care about me. I thought he hated me. As a result, I fought him every step of the way. Everything he did for me I would throw back at him. I thought it was being rebellious like young people do and did not realize how disrespectful I was being. I could slap myself now for giving him such a hard time and making his life all the more stressful.
Even though he didn’t agree with my choice, he even supported my decision to go to school to become what I thought would be my career path, a private investigator. He paid for my studies in Criminal Justice and tried to keep pushing me to complete my studies. Was I grateful for what he had done? Sadly, I wasn’t, and I didn’t even finish my studies. I dropped out after one year because it was too much for me. I feel like such an ass for that now.
Because of that and increasing bickering with my mother probably prompted him to do what he did next. Apparently, he had finally had enough. He filed for divorce from my mother and moved out. This definitely ripped a hole in our relationship. I had felt like he had abandoned me and my mother. I hated him because of that. I didn’t care whether he lived or died at that point, and I wanted to cause him nothing but pain. That’s something I will regret for the rest of my life.
He still cared about us, though. He made sure we were well-taken care of. I just didn’t realize at the time how much things were getting to him. I only saw the pain he was causing me and my mother. He never went through with the divorce, though, and ended up reconciling with my mother. Shortly after, he moved back in, but I never forgave him for what he had done. I held that hatred for him for a long time until my girlfriend made me see things from a different perspective.
I started truly understanding what he did for me when he helped me with my first place. He helped me look at places. He bought all kind of apartment firsts. He furnished my apartment, and he helped me get my third car. This man did all of this for me regardless of how much of an ass I acted like towards him. He even helped my brother who was going through hard times at the same time. I started realizing what my girlfriend was telling me about him, and I started to truly appreciate what he did for me.
From that point on, we finally started getting closer. We did things together like eating out and going to the beach. For the first time, I felt like I had a father, one that I loved, and I wanted to show him how much I truly appreciated him. I finally got a chance to do all those things that kids do for their fathers on Father’s Day, his birthday, and Christmas. I also felt like I could finally talk to him about things that were bothering me. It was the greatest feeling in the world.
Unfortunately, it had to happen at such a late point in his life. Sometimes, I feel like I never really got a chance to tell him just how much I appreciated him in my life. He passed before I really got that chance., and I regret that I never did these kind of things for him when I was younger. It might have made his life a hell of a lot easier. You can’t live in the past, though. You have to keep moving forward, but I wanted to take this time to acknowledge one of the most important people in my life.
So, I want to take this time right now to tell my dad, thank you. Thank you for always pushing me, for always supporting what I did whether or not you agreed with it. I want to thank you for always being there, and for help molding me into the man I am today. You taught me a lot of things in life from cooking to repair work. You gave me such an insight on what the world was really all about. You put up with all of my crap and never gave up on me. You also taught me the most important lesson you could have taught me that I still live by today. You taught me to do what I have to do to take care of business and support the people I care about. I’ll never forget that lesson, and I’ll pass that lesson to my kids (if I ever have any).
I’m sorry that I gave you such a hard time when I was growing up, and I would do anything to take back a lot of the hateful things I said to you. It’s true what they say. You don’t realize what you have until it is gone. You told me I would realize what you had done for me when you were gone, and guess what, you were right. I miss you, Dad, and I hope you can still hear me from heaven. I at least know now you are at peace, and I hope one day to see you again when it’s my time to go. I love you, Dad. Happy Father’s Day.
Happy Father’s Day
Dad!
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